By Bill Wagg
For some young adults, the transition from adolescence into adulthood does not unfold easily. They find themselves somewhere in between—not quite functioning independently as adults, but no longer teenagers either.
They may still be living with their parents, struggling to find or maintain employment, or lacking a sense of direction about what comes next. Sleep schedules can become reversed, with much of the night spent online and much of the day asleep. Social connection may happen primarily through gaming or social media, while in-person relationships begin to feel increasingly difficult. Anxiety, sadness, marijuana use, lack of physical activity, and isolation can sometimes become part of the picture as well.
Underneath these behaviours, I often see something more painful: a young person who feels inadequate, ashamed, anxious, overwhelmed, or uncertain about their place in the adult world.
When the Whole Family Gets Stuck
Parents are often struggling just as much.
They can see that their son or daughter is unhappy and stalled, but they don’t know how to help. Understandably, they try to encourage, motivate, reason, remind, advise, push, or rescue.
But these efforts can gradually create a cycle.
The more worried the parents become, the more they intervene. The more the young adult feels pressured, criticized, ashamed, or controlled, the more they may withdraw or resist. Their withdrawal makes the parents even more anxious, so the parents try harder.
Before long, conversations about work, school, money, sleep, chores, or the future can turn into arguments. Parents may begin disagreeing with each other about how firm or supportive they should be. Resentment develops on all sides, and a problem that initially appeared to belong to the young adult becomes a problem affecting the whole family.
This situation is sometimes described as “failure to launch.” I prefer to think of it less as a failure and more as a young person becoming stuck during an important developmental transition.
What Does It Mean to Become an Adult?
Clinical psychologist Mark McConville explores this transition in his book Failure to Launch. One of the most useful aspects of his work is that he moves beyond the question of whether a young adult has a job or has moved out of the family home.
Instead, he describes adulthood as involving the development of three important capacities: a sense of purpose, administrative responsibility, and interdependence.
Purpose means beginning to develop a sense of direction—something worth getting up for, working toward, contributing to, or caring about.
Administrative responsibility means gradually taking ownership of the practical tasks of adult life: managing appointments, money, schedules, commitments, work, education, household responsibilities, and the consequences of one’s choices.
Interdependence means learning how to have mature relationships in which we can rely on other people without expecting them to manage our lives for us. Healthy adulthood is not complete independence. We all need other people. The developmental task is learning how to give and receive support while still taking responsibility for ourselves.
These ideas are useful because they shift the conversation away from simply asking, “How do we make this young person get a job or move out?”
A better question may be: “What is preventing this young person from developing the confidence, responsibility, relationships, and sense of purpose they need to move forward?”
That is a very different therapeutic question.
Helping the Family Change the Pattern
In my work with families experiencing this problem, I generally work with both the parents and the young adult—sometimes together and sometimes individually.
This does not mean blaming the parents, nor does it mean placing all responsibility on the young adult. Usually, everyone has become caught in a pattern that developed gradually and made sense at the time.
Therapy involves understanding that pattern and helping each person change the part they play in it.
For parents, that may mean learning the difference between supporting and rescuing, setting clearer boundaries, tolerating some of their own anxiety, and allowing their adult child to experience greater responsibility for choices and consequences.
For the young adult, the work may involve understanding the anxiety, shame, avoidance, or discouragement that has kept them stuck while gradually taking meaningful steps toward responsibility, relationships, independence, and purpose.
And for the family as a whole, it often means learning a different way of communicating—one with less arguing, pursuing, withdrawing, blaming, and rescuing.
None of this is easy.
Families usually arrive at these patterns over many years, and they rarely change overnight. Progress can be slow and frustrating. There may be steps forward followed by setbacks.
But being stuck at twenty does not mean being stuck forever.
With greater understanding, clearer boundaries, new skills, and a willingness from family members to change their own part of the dynamic, movement is possible.
The goal is not simply to get a young adult out of the family home.
The deeper goal is to help them gradually take ownership of their own life.
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