We live in a world where sexual content is everywhere, yet talking honestly about our own sexual experiences can feel surprisingly difficult. Whether it’s discussing mismatched desire with a partner, expressing what feels pleasurable, or admitting that we don’t enjoy sex as much as we would like, conversations about sexuality can bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions, such as embarrassment or shame.
Various studies highlight that sexual satisfaction is a significant component of a relationship and is correlated with one’s overall sense of well-being and happiness. Many people enjoy sexual pleasure and want to make it a priority, yet face certain barriers to communication, pleasure, and enjoyment.
Some of those barriers often include:
- Differences in sexual desire between partners
- Feeling disconnected from one’s sexuality after childbirth or during menopause
- Difficulty communicating sexual needs or boundaries
- Anxiety about sexual performance or body image
- Changes in intimacy during long-term relationships
- Feeling like you are “roommates” with your partner
So what makes sex so hard to talk about?
Many of us grow up receiving conflicting messages about sexuality. We may be taught that sex is natural and important in relationships, while simultaneously learning that expressing sexual needs is inappropriate. These internalized messages can follow us into adulthood, shaping how comfortable we feel talking about it.
Discomfort around the topic often stems from the social and cultural values and beliefs that shape our development and perceptions of sexuality. In many cultures, sex is seen as a private act that should not be discussed outside of a partnership.
We also may feel afraid of hurting our partners feelings if we share some things with them that aren’t working for us in our sex life. We often fear that sharing thoughts or feelings will create conflict with our partner.
So how can we make it easier to talk about sex more openly?
For those who may be experiencing discomfort, a great place to start is by exploring your own personal values, beliefs, and desires around sexuality. You may start by asking yourself any of the following questions:
- Growing up, was sexuality something that could be discussed openly in your family or with friends?
- Do you feel comfortable expressing your needs or desires in a relationship?
- What emotions come up when you think about talking openly about sex?
Looking within ourselves can provide a valuable opportunity for curiosity and exploration.
Working with a therapist can also be a great place to start if the idea of sharing your feelings with your partner feels anxiety-provoking, particularly if you fear they may not listen, understand, or validate your experience.
Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that provides an opportunity to explore sexual concerns in a supportive, nonjudgmental environment. It is entirely conversational and does not involve sexual activity or physical contact with the therapist. Sessions may focus on communication, emotional intimacy, sexual expectations, relationship dynamics, or personal beliefs about sexuality. You don’t need to be in a relationship or have a specific sexual problem to benefit from these conversations.
Common myths that may prevent people from accessing counselling in this area include:
- You need to be in a romantic relationship. (Absolutely not! People who are single can benefit from sex therapy, too.)
- You have to have experienced sexual trauma or disclose your sexual trauma. (You are never required to share anything you do not feel comfortable discussing)
- Sex therapy is only for people with severe sexual challenges. (Sex therapy is not solely for processing sexual trauma or addressing significant sexual difficulties)
- Sex therapy only focuses on sex. (There are various topics that can be explored, such as communication and non-sexual intimacy)
My hope is that by naming these myths, we can help alleviate some of the stigma surrounding sexuality and make it easier to discuss with others.
You may be wondering… Will sex therapy actually help me?
If you feel you would benefit from having a space to discuss your sexual challenges, therapy can provide a safe, supportive environment to explore these topics at a depth that feels comfortable for you.
Talking about sexuality doesn’t always come naturally, particularly when we’ve spent years learning to keep this part of ourselves private. Whether you’re navigating challenges in a relationship or hoping to better understand your own sexuality, therapy can be a great place to start.
What I have learned through helping people in this area, is that when people finally have a safe space to discuss these kinds of concerns, it helps alleviate a sense of shame and pressure they may be feeling. It can allow people the space to feel more confident and satisfied in their sex life, which often leads to a greater sense of pleasure, ease and enjoyment.
Sydney Richdale is an intern counsellor at NeurAlive and offers affordable counselling at reduced rates. Learn more about affordable Counselling.
