Few things are as beautiful and endearing as a child laughing—and few things are as sure to provoke a precious belly laugh as a good ol’ tickle session. Tickling is fun—when it’s invited. But unwelcome tickling, even when accompanied by laughter, has a darker side. Tickling stimulates the part of our brain that anticipates pain, thus activating the fight-or-flight response. Taken too far, tickling can be painful, and prolonged or repeated tickling becomes, dare I say it, a form of abuse.
When a child reaches the point of discomfort with an initially welcome tickle session, usually after a few seconds, the fight-or-flight response is triggered. The child may shout “stop” or “no.” If this demand to stop is heeded, then all is well. The child’s healthy nervous system will discharge the energy from that fight-or-flight response quickly. They may even enjoy the experience enough to sheepishly ask you to tickle them again, until they again say “stop” or “no.” This is a healthy example of how tickling can remain a joyful and respectful experience for both the child and the “tickler.”
On the other hand, if tickling persists past the point where a child says “stop” or “no” (or in some way indicates a desire to stop—because, let’s face it, it’s hard to speak when you’re laughing hard), the fight-or-flight system can become overwhelmed, and the child’s fragile nervous system compromised. They may struggle to breathe through the uncontrollable laughter and might even cry or express anger afterward. This is their way of communicating, “I’m in survival mode! Respect my boundaries!”
This can be hard for some ticklers to understand: “Surely the child is enjoying the experience if they’re laughing,” they might think. But this is not true. When tickling passes the point of comfort, laughing becomes an uncontrollable response to something aggressive. It crosses a line into something harmful.
Two Rules for Healthy Tickling
So how can we ensure that tickling remains truly enjoyable for everyone? By following these two simple rules:
- Consent is essential: It’s not okay to just dig your fingers into the side or inner arm of a child you’ve just met or who you know doesn’t enjoy tickling. Err on the side of caution and simply ask, “Can I tickle you?” If the answer is “yes,” go for it! If not, respect the child’s autonomy and choose a more hands-off approach to building rapport.
- Stop means stop: As soon as a child says “stop,” respect their boundary and stop immediately. This not only prevents discomfort but also builds trust between you and the child. By stopping when requested, you’re showing the child that their voice matters and that they have authority over their own body. You’re also teaching them that they should respect others’ boundaries when they say “stop” or “no,” whether in tickling or other situations.
These two rules ensure healthy and enjoyable tickling for everyone, always. They also apply when children tickle each other. While much of this discussion has focused on adults tickling children, tickling often runs rampant between siblings, where the importance of boundaries tends to be underdeveloped. Parents may pass this off as mere child’s play, but the child being tickled experiences the same pain and violation as if they were being tickled by anyone else. Don’t dismiss this as harmless; children rely on you to protect them and to teach them about boundaries.
Tickling and Sexual Awareness
Consent and “stop means stop” might sound familiar—and for good reason. These are the same principles we’ve been reinforcing in recent decades, as society works to overcome its history of sexual violence. We teach these lessons at a young age through the way we play with children. Tickling, especially because it straddles the fine line between pleasure and discomfort, offers a critical teaching moment with implications for later healthy sexual development.
When a child consistently learns through play that their voice matters and that they have authority over their body, they’re more likely to carry this sense of autonomy into later experiences, including sexual encounters. The long-term impact of honouring a child’s boundaries during tickling goes far beyond the moment of play—it sets the foundation for respect, consent, and personal agency in relationships throughout their life.
Conclusion
When we consider the longer-term implications of tickling, it becomes clear that following the two simple rules of consent and stopping when asked is essential. Tickling can and should remain the sweet, joyful experience we imagine it to be, but only when approached with respect and care. By seeking consent, stopping when asked, and enjoying the laughter while it’s welcome, we teach children that their bodies belong to them—and that they deserve respect in every interaction. These lessons extend far beyond the playful tickle, helping to create a culture of consent, respect, and healthy boundaries for years to come.
If you’d like assistance teaching your children about consent and healthy boundaries, NeurAlive has a team of child and youth therapists here to support your family. Learn more about our child & youth team here
By Elinor Taylor
