Technology is a regular point of contention between parents and their children these days, and even as a child and youth-focused expert and mother, I am no different.

Six years ago now, I reluctantly gave my daughter, *Maia, a smartphone at age 10 after her father and I separated. It was helpful for easier communication with each parent, and it also provided a sense of security as she began traveling between school and home via public transportation.

During the Covid-19 pandemic, technology became both a blessing and a curse. Maia was able to stay in contact with friends, complete her schoolwork at home, and entertain herself during the isolation and stress of the lockdown. However, as often happens, it also led to overuse, and her engagement in real-life activities began to suffer.

For over a year, Maia had been requesting a new phone, complaining that the video camera and sound on her old one had stopped working. Most of the time, I tried to redirect her attention to offline activities and reminded her that she would need to earn the money for such a privilege. I wasn’t going to hand my 12-year-old daughter an expensive, upgraded phone when I really wanted to see her spend more time being creative or enjoying nature.

As Christmas 2020 approached, with her birthday shortly afterward, Maia made it clear that the only gift she wanted was an upgraded phone. She missed taking photos and videos and longed for the comfort of a larger screen.

Eventually, I gave in—but with a plan. I had noticed how well she had handled her responsibilities at school and at home, despite the stress of Covid and the changes in our family. It hadn’t been easy, but she faced it with grace and wisdom far beyond her years, and I wanted to show my appreciation.

However, I still wasn’t just going to hand her a new phone. I realized this was valuable currency—we could leverage this opportunity for something meaningful. I wanted Maia to earn the privilege of this new technology, not just as a gift but by doing something that would help her grow.

And then an idea struck: She would need to read a book about happiness and give a presentation on it to our extended family. I chose Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson, a recommendation from a colleague. While Maia wasn’t exactly thrilled, she accepted the challenge.

She started reading the book in December, her interest coming and going. There was no need for me to push her; the desire for the new phone was motivation enough. Christmas and her birthday passed, virtually giftless in anticipation of the big reward. It took an additional three months before she was ready to present. At times, she would grumble, “I just want to get this over with!” and ask to schedule the presentation, but we held off. Why hear a presentation about happiness from a grumpy teenager?

We had an important conversation about authentically practicing the skills she was learning. We agreed that only when she was ready to present from a place of centeredness and understanding would we set a date.

During the final month, something changed. Maia’s attitude shifted as she started applying the happiness skills she’d been reading about in her daily life. To her surprise, she enjoyed the nonfiction book, a first for her. The metaphors and tools resonated, and she realized that she had the power to affect her own happiness—an invaluable skill, especially in the world we live in today.

Finally, in early April 2021, Maia was ready to present. Her grandfather, stepfather, and I gathered in the living room to hear her share what she had learned. She used PowerPoint and even led us through an experiential activity inspired by the book. The central lesson was that we can embrace positive experiences mindfully, deepening them in the moment while creating neural pathways for more happiness in the future. Maia shared how reading the book had impacted her life, and we were all touched by her insights.

As a mother, it was a proud moment. Watching my daughter take what she had learned and apply it to her own life reminded me of the ultimate goal we have as parents: to give our children the tools they need to find happiness and fulfillment within themselves.

Technology will always be a source of frustration for families, but it can also be an opportunity. Maia’s desire for a new phone became a chance to teach her about responsibility, personal growth, and happiness. And in the end, that’s worth far more than any device.

By Elinor Taylor

*I used a different name to protect my daughter’s privacy.